The Top 10 Mistakes Younger Swingers Make. We all start somewhere in the swinging world; trust me, I learned the hard way! The non-monogamous lifestyle is something I get a lot of questions about, so I wanted to share some of the mistakes I see young swingers make when dipping their toes into it.
Lack of communication
Successful swingers are great communicators. It is important to have a good understanding of your partner, your playing partners, and yourself. The first step is, to be honest about your wants and desires.
Talking about starting to swing is one of the most challenging hurdles to overcome. It takes time and trust to feel comfortable in your relationship enough to talk openly. Through your swinging journey, you will never stop communicating and growing as a couple. When you keep your thoughts and emotions inside, it will lead to negativity and resentment. Communicating how you are feeling and what you enjoyed and did not enjoy allows those thoughts and emotions to be discussed openly.
The fear of being rejected by a partner is one of the biggest fears that people have. There is a possibility of rejection from your partner; after all, we are often cynical when faced with something unknown. I wrote an article about communicating effectively with my wife about starting swinging in order to help you learn more about it.
Too much, too quickly
Take the least experienced person’s pace, often the one who hasn’t brought up the subject of swinging. Don’t dive into too much too soon. Even though you may want a full swap, is your partner? Have you talked about it in depth? A female-led swinging relationship is a great option for new couples to become involved in the lifestyle scene. The woman is most often the less experienced and perhaps more nervous partner. Therefore, move at a pace that suits her. On the other hand, it can also be the other way around; in this case, move at a pace the guy is comfortable with.
Swinging often brings up feelings you haven’t anticipated. It’s common to not know how you’ll feel until you experience it. You might want to experience a full swap or group sex, but these things take time to get used to.
Boundaries aren’t set
If you have never considered swinging, knowing exactly what you want to experience can be hard. However, I always recommend starting from a place of safe sex.
Then, gradually, you can form your own unique rules once you have established what you are comfortable with, i.e., condoms for any sexual contact, including oral, and maybe only participating in a soft swap.
You put both your health and your relationship at risk if you don’t set boundaries. What is OK for one person might be a big no-no for another.
It is crucial that swingers respect each other’s rules and boundaries. If you are a single person, the same rules apply. Establish your limits and boundaries, and respect the people you play with.
Be patient and don’t get desperate
Although it may seem strange, it is possible to become ‘desperate’ in a swinging situation. Even when you don’t have much chemistry or enjoy similar things, sometimes you decide to play with whoever is there, even if you haven’t met the right people. You may have been chatting with someone online and decided to meet up because they are the only people who have messaged you. Whatever the case, my advice is to avoid meeting up with them. Take your time when dating; don’t hook up with the first couple who agrees to a date!
Taking one for the team is not a good idea
While you may have to compromise from time to time, ‘taking one for the team’ is not swinging! Being in the lifestyle is not about being coerced or pressed into doing something you are not fully on board with or simply going along with proceedings to keep your partner or other swingers happy. You will resent the lifestyle if you choose to ‘take one for the team,’ and you will probably find little pleasure in whatever you engage in.
Recognize that other swingers may be shy
Although it can be intimidating to be bold and make the first move, it’s important to remember that many swingers can be very shy, so sometimes it’s worth approaching them. Despite being extremely enthusiastic about playing with couples, I’ve encountered many swingers over the years who have never been confident enough to approach them. My discovery of this was only possible because I made the first move, and they were relieved when I did. Swingers online can also be shy, so sending a polite and friendly message can initiate a conversation.
Rejection shouldn’t be taken personally
This is easier said than done. We must face rejection from time to time, and you cannot please everyone! The only thing you can do and should do is accept it and move forward. Our next steps when we are rejected are usually to criticize ourselves and then pursue the person who rejected us for answers. These actions are neither helpful nor helpful. It shouldn’t be necessary to justify why someone doesn’t want to pursue things further if they aren’t interested in you. Trying to force an answer will only make them feel even more uncomfortable, and you feel even more defeated. The only course of action is to accept it and move on!
Expecting too much from other swingers is not a good idea
In spite of the fact that we all lead different lives, some people’s situations are different from your own. Many couples have kids and busy home lives, so they must plan their swinging in advance. For example, I have observed that some people prefer vanilla dates and then go on swing dates but do not wish to remain chatty during the in-between times because they prefer to keep the ‘vanilla’ life and the swinger life separate. Understand that other people may not be able to commit at short notice, and respect their wishes.
Drinking too much
The one we have all been guilty of when we first started swinging is drinking too much. Drinking can be so easy, especially if you are nervous! I have been there; I know what it is like to be at a party; you are nervous and not feeling very confident, so you drink a little. A couple gets you another drink and then another, and before you know it, it’s 12.30 am, and you’ve got a banging headache. No one wants to play with people who are drunk and slurring their words. Even a few drinks are fine, but I always pace myself and have a soft drink in between.
Don’t expect to play all the time
Many people believe that because they are at a swingers’ party or event, they will automatically be able to play with other swingers. It takes a lot more than turning up at the door to swing. It’s common for people to become frustrated and impatient when they don’t participate in a club’s activities. Successful swinging requires a combination of many things. How you approach others, what you are looking for, what you can offer, and how you interact with them.
You Shouldn’t Air Your Dirty Laundry In Public
I’ve actually written 11 points here, but this one is crucial, and it was a situation that E and I faced relatively recently. As a result of our similar interests, we met a couple online, and we arranged a vanilla date to get to know one another better. We ended the date on a positive note, and we promised that we would meet up again shortly. We continued chatting casually in the group we had set up, dipping in and out of swinger-related topics and other topics of conversation.
After the fight, the guy announced to the rest of the group that he and his girlfriend were no longer talking and were now sleeping in separate beds, but that it was nothing to do with swinging.
Although we had no idea whether their falling out had anything to do with swinging, the fact that they shared it with us (which was none of our business) didn’t inspire confidence.
All couples argue and fall out from time to time, don’t drag it into your swinging life! If you have an argument about swinging, as all couples do, don’t feel compelled to share that with other swingers you want to play with!