Discretion, respect, good humor, and desire to know others. These are the fundamental values behind swingers, those who perform non-monogamous sexual activities experienced as a couple. The exchange of couples is a game that more and more and more people are incorporating into their relationships.
According to Western cosmogony, couple relationships should focus on a series of concepts that are immovable because they are considered universal: fidelity, intimacy and exclusivity.
Monogamy is the prevailing model in affective-sexual relationships, which are based on an ideal of sexual exclusivity during the period of time that both parties consider appropriate.
The bond that unites monogamous people is marriage, law or customary law. In this perfectly valid conception, couple relationships are unique, static and forever.
The problem with this notion is that fewer and fewer people fit into this worldview: in fact, we are not biologically programmed to physically desire only one person at a time or to experience pleasure in only one way.
When we open ourselves to the desire to experience other possibilities, we realize that not everyone is psychologically prepared to see their partner caressing with another person.
What does this practice include?
There is no single way to perform partner exchanges. The main ways to do it are:
- Watching another couple relate sexually only to each other.
- Being watched while you and your partner have sex.
- Participate in group sessions with one or more pairs.
- Soft Swap: kisses, caresses or oral sex with a third person.
- Full Swap: having complete intercourse with sexual penetration with a person other than the usual partner.
What is a relationship for you? Surely you don’t have a single definition, but most monogamous people will tell you that it consists of the agreement of two people who decide to keep each other company on a personal, intimate level, attached to values and with common goals.
Within these common values and goals, monogamy may not be so important, or at least not an essential element of the couple’s relationship. This idea that not everything is closed or is limited by the expression of love and desire for a single person opens the possibility to try new things.
If you are thinking of opening your relationship with your partner, or on the contrary, it is your partner who has raised this possibility for you, today we want to tell you some key ideas that you should take into account so that both of you, or more, enjoy it to the fullest.
Trust is one of the keys to any exchange of couples. Not because it is the most important thing, but because trust is key in building a relationship and in achieving common goals. Going to bed with another partner or doing it in front of yours requires prior work in which trust plays an essential role.
The second key idea to enjoy it to the fullest is that you must be someone very open to the experience, which is precisely one of the personality traits. The exchange of couples is a transgressive topic because it is one manifestation of the many that an “opening” of the relationship can have. In other words, the exchange is a type of open pairing. There are many ways to score “openness to experience”, but as Rafael San Román, a psychologist at the ifeelonline.com psychology platform, points out: It has to be someone with curiosity, who is not satisfied with their situation, who wants to try new things, who has concerns.
Once you have assessed that you can or could participate in a swinger becoming a plausible reality, it is time to share it with your partner from your individual assertiveness, but also from the trust that you have built since your relationship was born.
Saying what you want, why you want it, and how you want it is essential for swinging to work.
As San Román told me over the phone:
“You are not born a swinger, you become one.
You need to find your own posture and location within that sexual practice. “The exchange of partners is not decided in an instant; you don’t even raise it in one fell swoop; you cannot assume that you will only speak it in a single conversation; You don’t even know if the first time you talk about it you’ll feel comfortable and the second time you won’t, or the other way around”, says the ifeelonline.com psychologist.
It is a search process, like so many other things in a relationship, in which you find different results. You need to take your time to incorporate it and “understand what is happening to you”.
You can’t miss it for any reason. Trust in someone is not the same as trust with someone. You don’t say: “we do it and we’ll see”. You need to prepare yourself to perform this sexual practice and to do so you must communicate a lot and communicate well with your partner.
You will need to agree and negotiate your limits. Do not assume that because you explicitly accept that you are going to make a trade, you are automatically in agreement with everything that is going to happen. It is important never to take anything for granted and it is better to say the obvious than to take for granted things that we had not valued later and that, if they happen, could harm us.
#6 Don’t do it if…
The main reason why you shouldn’t do it is when the couple’s sex life is going wrong. It should not be performed as a lifeline when everything else is going wrong as if it were a desperate attempt to revive the relationship.
Psychology experts recommend not doing it “if we haven’t talked about it well. If we have not made clear all the points that we want to never happen. If we have not agreed and clarified what our limits and our red lines are”.
Other reasons not to swing are currently having a boring routine with your partner or a covert desire to end the relationship.
#7 Ask yourself…
It is important that before getting down to work you resolve the following doubts:
- What is partner swapping for you?
- How are we going to do it?
- With whom?
- Where will we do it?: in a hotel? at home?
- Do you have any doubt?
- Do you have any fear? Is there anything you wish didn’t happen?
- What practices can we do and what practices can we not do with third parties?
- Can we repeat sexual partner?
And all the questions that occur to you. Even beyond the day, you raise them with your partner. Any questions must be resolved before starting.
#8 You’re in control
It is important to remember, so that no one gets upset, that everything is provisional. We have to make clear and explicit decisions, negotiated between the two, but they are reversible.
We can change your mind. If we don’t like it, if it doesn’t convince us, if practicing swinging disturbs us in any way, we can stop doing it.
In the same way that you decide one thing, you can decide the opposite. As Rafael San Roman concludes:
“You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone but yourself. It’s your game and you design it your way. It is a means, not an end: it is a tool to achieve something.
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