I recently discussed body confidence with one of my friends, A, who’s a single girl. Although A isn’t a swinger, she’s quite curious about the lifestyle and swinger scene, and I told her I’d take her with me to a club that was suited to her particular fetish when they reopen. She confided in me that although she is keen to attend, she doesn’t feel body positive and confident. I assured her she had nothing to worry about, but this got me thinking, and so, I give you; How To Be Body Confident When You Swing- Body Insecurity and Swinging. Here are my quick top tips on How To Be Body Confident When You Swing:
- Communicate your concerns.
- Find a solution- I explain how in this article!
- Reach out to other swingers.
- Practice being in the moment.
- Confidence. It doesn’t matter what your body looks like, whether you’re 22 or 62; if you are confident, you are sexy.
- Move at your own pace, wear whatever makes you feel fabulous.
Body Insecurities In SwingersClose your eyes. Now, I want you to imagine a swinger couple. What do they look like? Are they tall, tanned, and perfectly beautiful? Keep them closed! With white teeth and amazing smiles, long slender legs, flat stomach, the woman is wearing a bikini…wait! They’ve gone! Don’t be silly! These people don’t exist; that’s why they have gone! We are exposed to perfect images of men and women from the minute we wake up in the morning to the minute we go to sleep. Then if you add sex into the mix, not only do you get perfect airbrushed bodies, you also get people who are portrayed as being super confident, with a generous package or DD breasts. Scantily clad in next to nothing and ready to fulfill whatever desire you have because, of course, they are oh so horny! This is BS! Here at thiskindagirl we don’t believe in this fallacy. We celebrate real people with real bodies—mothers who have experienced pregnancy and childbirth. Men who are parents have spent the last 10 years raising a family, not obsessing over getting a six-pack. We don’t expect swingers to look a certain way or have certain physical traits. It’s not a requirement for you to be anything at all other than yourself.
How Body Insecurity Impacts on SwingingBody insecurity and body image can range from minor things that we dislike about ourselves but can’t change to significant concerns about our appearance that we can’t change or struggle to change. These issues can impact our day-to-day lives and our ability to feel sexual within our intimate relationships. At times, how we view ourselves changes, and we fluctuate between self-loathing and self-love, depending on our emotional mental state and personal situation. For example, during extreme upset and stress, it’s easy to fall into the trap of self-destruction and low self-esteem. Whereas if you’re feeling great about life and in control, we can sometimes look positively on our bodies and view ourselves with compassion. Easier said than done, I know. But, trust me, I fall into one of these categories more often than I would like to. When you are discussing body insecurity and swinging, it’s hard not to compare yourself to others. After all, in a club environment, chances are there will be a lot of naked bodies. You won’t be able to help it; if your checking people out, you will compare yourself; it’s natural, it’s what we do! Us women tend to compare our weight, the size of our breasts, and how shapely our thighs are. For men, the comparisons are in height, weight, how muscly they are, and of course, the size of their dicks. These comparisons may sound cliche, but as humans, we are preconditioned to measure persons worth on their physical attributes. I used to date a guy who was obsessed with the size of his dick in relation to others. He used to ask me continuously about other men I’d slept with and how their cocks compared to his. I knew it wasn’t his fault he was very sensitive; men are exposed to so many images about how dick size matters and only how only larger men can satisfy a woman. It’s absolutely toxic and absurd! In the end, his insecurity and fear had a detrimental effect on our relationship and Swinging because no amount of me reassuring him and being honest about what men’s cock are really like could convince him otherwise.
Negative Overthinking and SwingingBreaking the cycle of negative overthinking is hard. We become fixated on one aspect of our bodies or appearance and disregard every attractive trait we have about ourselves. We obsess, fixate, and grind ourselves down to the point where we have taken one thought and let it consume us. Very often overriding our rational thoughts in the process. Another characteristic of having insecurities is that we presume that those around us also see our imperfections the same way we do. For example, I’ve lost count time of the number of times I have convinced myself that no one would like to see my boobs because I dislike them. Therefore in my mind, everyone else must be thinking what I’m thinking (that they are mismatched, not particularly rounded, and therefore every bit freakish). We tell ourselves we are too fat, too skinny, too flat-chested, not muscly enough, not tall enough, not toned enough. And where does this leave us? Feeling hopeless, bad about ourselves, miserable, and unable to pursue what we want in life. I think this needs to change! I want couples to engage in and explore sex that feels inclusive, positive, and sensual.
How To Overcome Body Insecurity When SwingingWe know that everyone is different; we accept that we all have parts we don’t like, some parts we don’t mind, and maybe, one or two parts we actually like some days, sometimes, in the right light, when no one looking! But one thing we can all start with, regardless of our differences, is to practice some self-compassion. Self-compassion is something I have learned a great deal about over the last year. It’s not an easy thing to do, but once you start, you will soon come to realize that actually allowing yourself to embrace who you are and how you look is ok. Perhaps in the past, you have been body-shamed; I believe we are all guilty of doing this to one another at some point. And we have all been on the receiving end too. Body shaming doesn’t have to be a direct attack; some comments you will have received may have been in jest; perhaps you brushed them off at the time, and yet they still niggle away at you. Like the time I was told the hair on my arms wasn’t soft enough (bristle was the exact word used) and when I was made to feel ashamed of my pale skin and curly hair and ‘chubby’ thighs. Of course, I shrugged it off, but still, these observations (because that’s what they are, merely observations) settle deep, in a little crevice in your brain, and then years later, when you attend a swingers party in your 20’s, BAM! they come out of nowhere. Suddenly you feel entirely overwhelmed, insecure, and unable to enjoy yourself because of another person’s unpleasant comments made ten years previously. Accepting these comments as merely passing observations is a good start. Yes, people cast judgment over how we look, but it doesn’t mean we have to take on board what they are saying, and secondly, why should we care? They aren’t leading our lives, having our experiences; they don’t know the full story behind why we look the way we do, and more importantly, they don’t deserve to!
Another way to overcome body insecurity when swinging is to address the issue or cause for concern, accept it, embrace it (sometimes you can’t grow another few inches), and find a solution that works. Then, instead of agonizing, beating yourself up and becoming increasingly more worried about whatever it is that’s made you feel the insecurity in the first place. Here’s an example; As you have probably already figured, I don’t like my tits. I don’t like getting them out, and if I do, then the circumstances have to be very special indeed. Before I started swinging, the thought of anyone other than my partner seeing them filled me with dread. I’m forever comparing myself to other women, and I knew that as soon as I saw other women’s naked bodies, I’d be unable to stop myself from feeling ashamed, embarrassed, and inadequate. The first few parties were precisely like this. But then I knew I had to get my shit together. So, what did I do? The first thing I did was accept it (or rather them). I’m not willing to have surgery, so I had to make the most of what I’ve got. The second thing was to establish the rule that should I decide to take my bra off, I would be the one to initiate it, and this would happen on my terms when I felt comfortable. Establishing this as one of my swinging rules gave me instant peace of mind. The third was to buy a gorgeous red and black corset which made my boobs look great and made me feel sexy. As soon as I put it on, I knew that my figure looked fabulous, my boobs looked the same size, and I felt confident. The fact that most swinger clubs are quite dark or lit with soft, flattering lighting also helped proceedings!